Maybe I Don’t Need to Know Where I’m Going Yet

For the past month or so, I’ve felt frozen. Not lazy, not unmotivated, just frozen. I kept thinking I needed to figure out what was next. Who was I becoming? What did I want my business to look like? What was my coaching supposed to be? What was I supposed to talk about on the podcast? I felt like I should have some clear vision of this next version of myself, and somewhere in all of that figuring out, I stopped moving.

The weird part is that I was doing all the things we’re told to do when we’re trying to grow. I was journaling, learning, working on myself, asking questions, looking for signs and trying to get clear. Yet the harder I tried to figure myself out, the farther away from myself I seemed to get. Then I had this realization that hit me harder than I expected: I was trying to become a version of myself I didn’t even like.

I don’t think anyone specifically told me I had to become her. I think I had absorbed this idea that growth meant becoming more disciplined, more successful, more healed, more spiritual, more certain, more polished and somehow more evolved. I had taken something that was supposed to be about becoming more connected to myself and turned it into another performance. No wonder I felt frozen. I was trying to force myself toward a destination I wasn’t even sure I wanted.

That realization made me look differently at my coaching too. If I’m exhausted by being told to become some shiny “highest version” of myself, why the hell would I turn around and sell that same idea to another woman? Maybe she doesn’t need me to tell her who she could become. Maybe she needs somewhere she can finally say, “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know why I’m unhappy. I don’t know why I keep doing this. I don’t know whether I should stay, leave, start over or do absolutely nothing right now. I just know something doesn’t feel right anymore.”

And maybe that is enough to begin.

It also made me realize what I want Finding Her: Unapologetically to be. I don’t want this podcast to become another weekly self-help lecture where I sit behind a microphone and tell women five things they need to do to fix themselves. That isn’t how I want to talk, and quite frankly, it isn’t how I want to live either. I want Finding Her to be about the things that make us stop and think. I want to talk about relationships, beliefs, spirituality, hypnosis, manifestation, the nervous system, self-trust, starting over, the bullshit rules we learned somewhere along the way, and those random moments when you hear something that suddenly makes you look at your entire life differently. I want to talk about what I’m learning while I’m actually living it, not six months later when I can package it into some perfect lesson.

Recently, one of those things was a saying I came across: “Pray as though everything depends on your higher power. Work as though everything depends on you.” I couldn’t stop thinking about it because I realized how often we separate those two things. We ask God, the universe, our higher power, or whatever we believe in for guidance, and then sometimes we sit there waiting for the answer to magically arrive. Or we go completely in the other direction and convince ourselves that we have to control every single detail of what happens next.

What if it’s both? What if you can trust something bigger than yourself and still understand that your feet have to move? You can surrender without becoming passive. You can pray and still take action. You can ask for guidance without expecting someone or something else to live your life for you. Maybe faith isn’t sitting still until the entire path appears. Maybe faith is trusting enough to take the next step when you can only see a few feet in front of you.

I think that’s what I’ve been relearning in my own life. I don’t need the entire map right now. I don’t need to know who I’m going to be six months from now, and I definitely don’t need another five-step plan for becoming some imaginary better version of myself. I need to pay attention to what is true right now, listen to myself instead of constantly overriding myself, and then take the next step that actually belongs to me.

That is also where I want this podcast to go. Some weeks we may talk about relationships. Another week it might be spirituality, hypnosis, manifestation, fear, identity, self-trust, starting over or why the hell we continue doing things we swear we’re done doing. Sometimes it might be something I read, heard or experienced that made me stop and think, “Holy shit, I’ve been looking at this completely wrong.” I want Finding Her to be enlightening, but I don’t want it to become preachy. I want it to feel like a real conversation about the things we are all trying to understand while we’re living them.

Maybe Finding Her was never supposed to be about finally arriving at some perfect version of yourself. Maybe finding her happens every time you get quiet enough to hear yourself, honest enough to admit what is actually true, and willing enough to take one step from there. I don’t know exactly where all of this is going yet, and strangely, I’m becoming okay with that. I know what the next step is, and right now, that is enough.

She didn't become her... She remembered!!!